Legs Helped Me Through a Bad Breakup

Kate (40), London

I was in a relationship for 5 years and several months – it was fun while it lasted, just like any other – we made love, we had fights, we went through our own pattern of ups and downs.

And then there was this feeling… never ignore your feelings, most likely you’re right as much you don’t want to be sometimes! And then there was a *bang, Alice goes down the rabbit hole*. He’s cheating on me. Couldn’t bloody believe it but here it was – black on white (well, technically black on grey, but who cares), a graphic message which clearly wasn’t for me! Bummer… I was going Bridget Jones on myself, – vodka, romantic movies, junk food and loads of ice cream, but unlike her I cannot eat when stressed out, so vodka it was.

Saying that didn’t need much vodka on an empty stomach before turning to my diary – might sound silly, but I literally keep one since my teen years. After 15 minutes chewing on a pencil, drinking more vodka and pouring tears over empty pages I realised it’s 21st century and there is more fish in the pond.

By pond I mean online, of course. From my single friends I know, that no one is meeting in parties, bars or through friends anymore.

So – online dating. Where to start, what to do, how to act, what to look for… Quick call to a friend, three dating apps – Plenty of Fish, Mint and Happn – downloaded, last one deleted right away (not much into stalking feature of it), first one looks too old-school, so Mint dating app it is.

Next step? Profile! I need a profile. What do men like? Boobs? Don’t have much in that department. And neither do I have a big bottom (well…it’s so flat that you cannot even call it a bottom, my back goes straight into legs).

Yep, here we go – legs! Men like legs and I have a mighty nice pair I’d say. Enough vodka, switching to Gin *creating an extra feminine mood* and here we go – a brand new person was born. If you can call a pair of legs a person that is. Didn’t have high hopes, after all there was no profile information, nothing, just legs, but oh boy, 5 minutes later my phone went mental pinging every second on the second.

I scrolled through my likes and messages – meh, meh, nice, meh; full disclosure – I have a checklist. And don’t you dare to call me shallow, we all do whether we admit it or not.  The inner beauty can be discovered at later stage, after initial face control is passed.

Unfortunately, there is no way however to tell if they’re cheats or freaks but then again – one can meet a bloke or a girl at the pub, on the street or even through friends and these two boxes will still have to be left unticked as there is no way to determine that.

A couple of hours, several conversations and few drinks later I have pocketed 3 dates. Blimey, is that really this simple??? What are they thinking, they haven’t even seen my face and have to take my word for it that they are my legs (well, this is a loud and proud YES). And on the other hand… Hold on- what am I thinking agreeing to dates with men who are ready to date pair of legs???….

I didn’t bother checking the profiles, letting myself go in message fever, reading and replying, typing as fast as I can. I was more than curious what these men had to say for themselves, after all they were falling for a pair of legs…

Apparently this is a good conversation starter, I never knew absence of a face makes men so comfortable… Some were simply curious which was fine, at least it made sense, so would be me… Few were smart, funny and witty. But the most common question made me doubt the future of humanity – do you have a head attached to the legs?… errr… really? If I had a head attached to the legs I would be in a weird circus or some top secret institution…

What finally put me off is… someone offered to make me a head out of snow and yes, the bloody killer movie “Snowman” just came out so – thanks but no thanks. It freaked me out (and that’s coming from me)…

In the meantime Mint moderation deleted my leg picture, as apparently you need to have more than a pair of legs to use the app – and just in time, as it was getting a bit too much and I still had a nasty break-up to go through. However – with this new acquired insight the prospect of having to deal with the guy and being single did not seemed so bad anymore.